Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever"
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn... is it midnight already?"
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Oppurtunity knocks the door only once!
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple , killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn"t, but my wife did!"
Moral: When Opportunity knocks, Make use of it!
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple , killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn"t, but my wife did!"
Moral: When Opportunity knocks, Make use of it!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Melvin and the mildly flatulent
Once-upon-a-time, there was a worthless piece of land known as the Kingdom of Wartlestoff. In the native language, Wartlestoff meant small painful swelling under the armpit. The people called it Wartlestoff because they couldn't actually name it shithole which was their first suggestion.
Wartlestoff was known throughout the continent for two things: 1. A really low average age of the citizens that was due to an incredibly high suicide rate and the fact that most people over five years-old tried to leave the country 2. A really low birth rate that was due to the fact there wasn't anybody in Wartlestoff that anybody wanted to have sex with.
Wartlestoff had been the object of several brutal wars by its neighboring countries, with each side claiming Wartlestoff belonged to the other. During a particularly brutal war, someone got the idea that they could declare Wartlestoff an autonomous state and everybody could go home.
A new formed country, even a lousy one like Wartlestoff, could be turned into a larger one by an ambitious, enterprising and charismatic leader. The leaders of the warring countries realized this and decided to choose the king themselves to make sure that this didn't happen. They set out to find the most feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic twit for the throne. The only constraint, they decided, was that the twit should be of noble birth. All the countries were littered with feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic nobility who had been unemployed during the great layoffs of the feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic aristocracy and Wartlestoff was no exception.
After a great search through the mounds of resumes, the Kings found the man that they were looking for. He was known as Lord Melvin the mildly flatulent.
He was slow, fat, rude, ugly and tended to get lost on the way to the bathroom. His estate had consisted of over thirty people at its height. These people, however, were all his family or servants in the castle. They had also formed a new barony and revolted.
They invited a nearby Lord to annex them into his estate. The new lord returned the favor by plundering them, killing the women and children and raising taxes tenfold.
It was said of him that "No one would follow him to a coke machine, much less into battle." When he failed to arrive for the interview or even give an explanation of his absence, this was considered a demonstration of just what a good choice they had made.
He was dragged from his castle and forcibly crowned. Afterwards the occupying armies fled the country as fast as their horses would take them. Stragglers were left behind.
One of Melvin's first acts was to put his face on every coin that was stamped in the realm. This helped the economy in two ways: 1. The sheer ugliness of the coins caused people in other realms to refuse them outright, as a result money no longer left the country due to trade imbalances 2. The sheer ugliness of the coins meant that folks inside the realm didn't really want the coins either, as a result much less money changed hands and inflation was curbed. It was said on the street that "You could once again buy a loaf of bread for less than 400 gold crowns!"
Ironically, the reduction of the trade imbalance and the rate of inflation would have been greatly heralded by the economists if he hadn't put them all to death.
King Melvin the mildly flatulent then decided to find a new wife since his ex still refused to come back. He decided to try a strategy that had worked so well in the past, he sent out tons of resumes. When the various eligible women visited the castle for the interview, they asked questions like "You don't expect me to have sex with you do you?" and "We wouldn't actually have to have sex if I got this job right?". Melvin was unfazed. When Lady Bovina failed to refuse immediately, Melvin decided to go after her with unceasing effort. He organized a festival and a series of games in her honor. The week before the festival, he had all the roads from her castle to the amphitheater lined with lawyers stapled to crosses. The games were a series of contests between economists armed with shields and swords and lions. The crowds went wild as economist after economist was chewed up by the lions. The economists were eaten so quickly that several market analysts, psychotherapists and poets had to be rounded up to keep the crowds amused.
By the end of the day, the crowd was at a fever pitch. They were screaming "Melvin! Melvin! Melvin!" at the top of their lungs. Melvin, whose ego was just barely able to fit in the amphitheater with all those people began to give a speech. He was possessed. He began to tell them that he would raise an army to give the people what they had wanted most for their entire lives, another decent country to live in, decent land to build hovels on and new and better neighbors.
When his speech reached a crescendo, he asked the crowd to be silent. He bent down on his knees and asked Lady Bovina to marry him.
She was startled. "Would you promise to love me forever?" she asked.
"Forever!" he said.
"Would you turn over your treasury to me?" she asked.
"Every last coin!" he responded.
"Would we have to have sex?" she asked.
"Do we have to talk about this here?"
She looked around at all the quiet faces who were staring directly at her and made the biggest mistake of her life.
The stirring speech, the ascension of the new queen, and the extermination of all the lawyers were exactly the sort of inspiring things that the country had been starving for for
years, and would have been duly celebrated by the historians and political analysts if they hadn't all been exterminated during the later games of the festival.
After the festival was over, Melvin raised a large and inspired if untrained and unequipped army. He led his army on muleback to the closest country and proceeded to attack by sending all his troops over the boarder as fast as he could, while he waited behind to see what happened.
Epilogue:
Melvin's army was thrashed as they charged into the waiting canons of the enemy. He blamed the loss on foreign treachery, but many pundits felt the loss was due to the fact that all the officers had sacrificed to the lions during the festival.
Melvin himself was later killed when the mule that he was riding on collapsed of a broken back.
Lady Bovina was the guest of honor at one last festival where she placed on the field to combat the last remaining economists.
The Kings who had placed Melvin at the throne of Wartlestoff were taken out and beaten.
And the people of Wartlestoff still wait for the day when the clouds will open and a voice proclaim from the Heavens to the people all across the land that they can finally leave. Posted by Chris at 6:50 PM 0 comments Reactions: The Motorcyclist A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him, and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife used some paper towels to blot up the gasoline, and threw them in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Wartlestoff was known throughout the continent for two things: 1. A really low average age of the citizens that was due to an incredibly high suicide rate and the fact that most people over five years-old tried to leave the country 2. A really low birth rate that was due to the fact there wasn't anybody in Wartlestoff that anybody wanted to have sex with.
Wartlestoff had been the object of several brutal wars by its neighboring countries, with each side claiming Wartlestoff belonged to the other. During a particularly brutal war, someone got the idea that they could declare Wartlestoff an autonomous state and everybody could go home.
A new formed country, even a lousy one like Wartlestoff, could be turned into a larger one by an ambitious, enterprising and charismatic leader. The leaders of the warring countries realized this and decided to choose the king themselves to make sure that this didn't happen. They set out to find the most feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic twit for the throne. The only constraint, they decided, was that the twit should be of noble birth. All the countries were littered with feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic nobility who had been unemployed during the great layoffs of the feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic aristocracy and Wartlestoff was no exception.
After a great search through the mounds of resumes, the Kings found the man that they were looking for. He was known as Lord Melvin the mildly flatulent.
He was slow, fat, rude, ugly and tended to get lost on the way to the bathroom. His estate had consisted of over thirty people at its height. These people, however, were all his family or servants in the castle. They had also formed a new barony and revolted.
They invited a nearby Lord to annex them into his estate. The new lord returned the favor by plundering them, killing the women and children and raising taxes tenfold.
It was said of him that "No one would follow him to a coke machine, much less into battle." When he failed to arrive for the interview or even give an explanation of his absence, this was considered a demonstration of just what a good choice they had made.
He was dragged from his castle and forcibly crowned. Afterwards the occupying armies fled the country as fast as their horses would take them. Stragglers were left behind.
One of Melvin's first acts was to put his face on every coin that was stamped in the realm. This helped the economy in two ways: 1. The sheer ugliness of the coins caused people in other realms to refuse them outright, as a result money no longer left the country due to trade imbalances 2. The sheer ugliness of the coins meant that folks inside the realm didn't really want the coins either, as a result much less money changed hands and inflation was curbed. It was said on the street that "You could once again buy a loaf of bread for less than 400 gold crowns!"
Ironically, the reduction of the trade imbalance and the rate of inflation would have been greatly heralded by the economists if he hadn't put them all to death.
King Melvin the mildly flatulent then decided to find a new wife since his ex still refused to come back. He decided to try a strategy that had worked so well in the past, he sent out tons of resumes. When the various eligible women visited the castle for the interview, they asked questions like "You don't expect me to have sex with you do you?" and "We wouldn't actually have to have sex if I got this job right?". Melvin was unfazed. When Lady Bovina failed to refuse immediately, Melvin decided to go after her with unceasing effort. He organized a festival and a series of games in her honor. The week before the festival, he had all the roads from her castle to the amphitheater lined with lawyers stapled to crosses. The games were a series of contests between economists armed with shields and swords and lions. The crowds went wild as economist after economist was chewed up by the lions. The economists were eaten so quickly that several market analysts, psychotherapists and poets had to be rounded up to keep the crowds amused.
By the end of the day, the crowd was at a fever pitch. They were screaming "Melvin! Melvin! Melvin!" at the top of their lungs. Melvin, whose ego was just barely able to fit in the amphitheater with all those people began to give a speech. He was possessed. He began to tell them that he would raise an army to give the people what they had wanted most for their entire lives, another decent country to live in, decent land to build hovels on and new and better neighbors.
When his speech reached a crescendo, he asked the crowd to be silent. He bent down on his knees and asked Lady Bovina to marry him.
She was startled. "Would you promise to love me forever?" she asked.
"Forever!" he said.
"Would you turn over your treasury to me?" she asked.
"Every last coin!" he responded.
"Would we have to have sex?" she asked.
"Do we have to talk about this here?"
She looked around at all the quiet faces who were staring directly at her and made the biggest mistake of her life.
The stirring speech, the ascension of the new queen, and the extermination of all the lawyers were exactly the sort of inspiring things that the country had been starving for for
years, and would have been duly celebrated by the historians and political analysts if they hadn't all been exterminated during the later games of the festival.
After the festival was over, Melvin raised a large and inspired if untrained and unequipped army. He led his army on muleback to the closest country and proceeded to attack by sending all his troops over the boarder as fast as he could, while he waited behind to see what happened.
Epilogue:
Melvin's army was thrashed as they charged into the waiting canons of the enemy. He blamed the loss on foreign treachery, but many pundits felt the loss was due to the fact that all the officers had sacrificed to the lions during the festival.
Melvin himself was later killed when the mule that he was riding on collapsed of a broken back.
Lady Bovina was the guest of honor at one last festival where she placed on the field to combat the last remaining economists.
The Kings who had placed Melvin at the throne of Wartlestoff were taken out and beaten.
And the people of Wartlestoff still wait for the day when the clouds will open and a voice proclaim from the Heavens to the people all across the land that they can finally leave. Posted by Chris at 6:50 PM 0 comments Reactions: The Motorcyclist A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him, and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife used some paper towels to blot up the gasoline, and threw them in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
The Motorcyclist
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him, and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife used some paper towels to blot up the gasoline, and threw them in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him, and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife used some paper towels to blot up the gasoline, and threw them in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
A Son's bad dream
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare. The man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life. He is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare. The man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life. He is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
Wrong Number!
A Husband makes a call to hospital to enquire about his pregnant wife. But accidentally the call went to a cricket stadium.
He asked "I am really worried! What is the condition?"
He lost his sense after what he heard.
Guess what would be the reply?
It is, "7 are already out! 3 More will be out hopefully by lunch! And The first one was a Duck!"
He asked "I am really worried! What is the condition?"
He lost his sense after what he heard.
Guess what would be the reply?
It is, "7 are already out! 3 More will be out hopefully by lunch! And The first one was a Duck!"
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Men are Men!
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Julie on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man then said "When I was at the races last week Julie was the name of the horse I bet on!".
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. "Your horse called up!"
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Julie on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man then said "When I was at the races last week Julie was the name of the horse I bet on!".
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. "Your horse called up!"
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sometimes, don't be Honest!
"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez."Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez."Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Why women are great?
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the chequebook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1PM. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument With them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30PM he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9PM, he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the chequebook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1PM. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument With them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30PM he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9PM, he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Friday, November 7, 2008
Confessions of a Friend
It’s been a while
since my heart has been changing,
since I’ve been dealing with it lonesome...
every time you came back,
I hated the guy that made you cry
I’d rather protect you,
although I don’t know if it will make it better...
This time I’ll hold you and love you
Is what I thought
Baby, come to me now
And be my lady
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart.
As a friend, to remain as friends,
I had to push the confessions down my throat
But now I’ll confess to you,
I love you...
You hold my hand and tell me you only have me
Keeping me as a friend,
you say it’s a blessing
Whenever you say let’s never change,
I had to push my feelings down
It might be best if I protect you,
not knowing if it will be better
I kept hearing it but I kept cool
I was too scared to lose you, but...
Baby Come to me now
And be my lady
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart
As a friend, to remain as friends,
I had to push the confessions down my throat
That confession I had to hold it in
But now I’ll confess to you,
I love you...
since my heart has been changing,
since I’ve been dealing with it lonesome...
every time you came back,
I hated the guy that made you cry
I’d rather protect you,
although I don’t know if it will make it better...
This time I’ll hold you and love you
Is what I thought
Baby, come to me now
And be my lady
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart.
As a friend, to remain as friends,
I had to push the confessions down my throat
But now I’ll confess to you,
I love you...
You hold my hand and tell me you only have me
Keeping me as a friend,
you say it’s a blessing
Whenever you say let’s never change,
I had to push my feelings down
It might be best if I protect you,
not knowing if it will be better
I kept hearing it but I kept cool
I was too scared to lose you, but...
Baby Come to me now
And be my lady
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart
As a friend, to remain as friends,
I had to push the confessions down my throat
That confession I had to hold it in
But now I’ll confess to you,
I love you...
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Why am I the one to die?
I went to a party Mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I drank soda instead.
I really felt proud inside, Mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom,
Even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom,
I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom,
As everyone is driving out of sight.
As I got into my car, Mom,
I knew I'd get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me,
So responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom,
But as I pulled out into the road,
The other car didn't see me, Mom,
And hit me like a load.
As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,
I hear the policeman say,
The other guy is drunk, Mom,
And now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom¦.
I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom?
My life just burst like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, Mom,
And most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom,
I'll die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom,
I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom.
The others didn't think.
He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank
And I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now.
Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,
And I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying
And all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.
Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom,
Put 'GOOD BOY' on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mom,
Not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom,
I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom.
I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom.
When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question, Mom.
Before I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive,
So why am I the one to die?
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I drank soda instead.
I really felt proud inside, Mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom,
Even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom,
I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom,
As everyone is driving out of sight.
As I got into my car, Mom,
I knew I'd get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me,
So responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom,
But as I pulled out into the road,
The other car didn't see me, Mom,
And hit me like a load.
As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,
I hear the policeman say,
The other guy is drunk, Mom,
And now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom¦.
I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom?
My life just burst like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, Mom,
And most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom,
I'll die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom,
I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom.
The others didn't think.
He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank
And I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now.
Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,
And I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying
And all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.
Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom,
Put 'GOOD BOY' on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mom,
Not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom,
I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom.
I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom.
When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question, Mom.
Before I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive,
So why am I the one to die?
Friday, October 31, 2008
The Successful Couple
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".
Editor: "Sir! It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: " We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".
She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho! You killed the poor animal! Are you crazy?"
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!"
Husband: "That's it! We are happy ever after!"
Editor: "Sir! It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: " We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".
She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho! You killed the poor animal! Are you crazy?"
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!"
Husband: "That's it! We are happy ever after!"
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The Ant and the Grasshopper
An Old Story:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
Now the same in Indian Version:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
NDTV, BBC, CNN, TV9 show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.
Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.
Mayawati states this as `injustice' done on Minorities.
Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.
The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).
Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for 'Bengal Bandh' inWest Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.
CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.
Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.
Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter. Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation ' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions and in Government Services.
The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.
Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'.
Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'.
CPM calls it the ' Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden '
Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.
Many years later... The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley,
100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India,
AND
As a result of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the grasshoppers,
India is still a developing country!
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
Now the same in Indian Version:
The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
NDTV, BBC, CNN, TV9 show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house.
Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.
Mayawati states this as `injustice' done on Minorities.
Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.
The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance).
Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for 'Bengal Bandh' inWest Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.
CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among Ants and Grasshoppers.
Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.
Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter. Arjun Singh makes 'Special Reservation ' for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions and in Government Services.
The Ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.
Arundhati Roy calls it 'A Triumph of Justice'.
Lalu calls it 'Socialistic Justice'.
CPM calls it the ' Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden '
Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.
Many years later... The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley,
100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India,
AND
As a result of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the grasshoppers,
India is still a developing country!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Thief Detector
In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves.
They took it out to different countries for a test.
In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves.
In UK, in 30 minutes it caught 50 thieves.
Spain, in 30 minutes it caught 65 thieves.
Ghana, in 30 minutes it caught 600 thieves.
India, in 15 minutes the machine was stolen.
Comments?
They took it out to different countries for a test.
In U.S.A, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves.
In UK, in 30 minutes it caught 50 thieves.
Spain, in 30 minutes it caught 65 thieves.
Ghana, in 30 minutes it caught 600 thieves.
India, in 15 minutes the machine was stolen.
Comments?
Friday, October 24, 2008
Eight Lies of a Mother
1. The story began when I was a child; I was born as a son of a poor family. Even for eating, we often got lack of food. Whenever the time for eating, mother often gave me her portion of rice. While she was removing her rice into my bowl, she would say "Eat this rice, son. I'm not hungry". That was Mother's First Lie
2. When I was getting to grow up, the persevering mother gave her spare time for fishing in a river near our house, she hoped that from the fishes she got, she could gave me a little bit nutritious food for my growth. After fishing, she would cook the fishes to be a fresh fish soup, which raised my appetite. While I was eating the soup, mother would sit beside me and eat the rest meat of fish, which was still on the bone of the fish I ate. My heart was touched when I saw it. I then used my chopstick and gave the other fish to her. But she immediately refused it and said "Eat this fish, son. I don't really like fish." That was Mother's Second Lie.
3. Then, when I was in Junior High School, to fund my study, mother went to an economic enterprise to bring some used-matches boxes that would be stuck in. It gave her some money for covering our needs. As the winter came, I woke up from my sleep and looked at my mother who was still awoke, supported by a little candlelight and within her perseverance she continued the work of sticking some used-matches box. I said, "Mother, go to sleep, it's late, tomorrow morning you still have to go for work. " Mother smiled and said "Go to sleep, dear. I'm not tired." That was Mother's Third Lie.
4. At the time of final term, mother asked for a leave from her work in order to accompany me. While the daytime was coming and the heat of the sun was starting to shine, the strong and persevering mother waited for me under the heat of the sun's shine for several hours. As the bell rang, which indicated that the final exam had finished, mother immediately welcomed me and poured me a glass of tea that she had prepared before in a cold bottle. The very thick tea was not as thick as my mother's love, which was much thicker. Seeing my mother covering with perspiration, I at once gave her my glass and asked her to drink too. Mother said "Drink, son. I'm not thirsty!". That was Mother's Fourth Lie.
5. After the death of my father because of illness, my poor mother had to play her role as a single parent. By held on her former job, she had to fund our needs alone. Our family's life was more complicated. No days without sufferance. Seeing our family's condition that was getting worse, there was a nice uncle who lived near my house came to help us, either in a big problem and a small problem. Our other neighbors who lived next to us saw that our family's life was so unfortunate, they often advised my mother to marry again. But mother, who was stubborn, didn't care to their advice, she said "I don't need love." That was Mother's Fifth Lie.
6. After I had finished my study and then got a job, it was the time for my old mother to retire. But she didn't want to; she was sincere to go to the marketplace every morning, just to sell some vegetable for fulfilling her needs. I, who worked in the other city, often sent her some money to help her in fulfilling her needs, but she was stubborn for not accepting the money. She even sent the money back to me. She said "I have enough money." That was Mother's Sixth Lie.
7. After graduated from Bachelor Degree, I then continued my study to Master Degree. I took the degree, which was funded by a company through a scholarship program, from a famous University in America . I finally worked in the company. Within a quite high salary, I intended to take my mother to enjoy her life in America . But my lovely mother didn't want to bother her son, she said to me "I'm not used to." That was Mother's Seventh Lie.
8. After entering her old age, mother got a flank cancer and had to be hospitalized. I, who lived in miles away and across the ocean, directly went home to visit my dearest mother. She lied down in weakness on her bed after having an operation. Mother, who looked so old, was staring at me in deep yearn. She tried to spread her smile on her face; even it looked so stiff because of the disease she held out. It was clear enough to see how the disease broke my mother's body, thus she looked so weak and thin. I stared at my mother within tears flowing on my face. My heart was hurt, so hurt, seeing my mother on that condition. But mother, with her strength, said "Don't cry, my dear. I'm not in pain." That was Mother's Eight Lie.
2. When I was getting to grow up, the persevering mother gave her spare time for fishing in a river near our house, she hoped that from the fishes she got, she could gave me a little bit nutritious food for my growth. After fishing, she would cook the fishes to be a fresh fish soup, which raised my appetite. While I was eating the soup, mother would sit beside me and eat the rest meat of fish, which was still on the bone of the fish I ate. My heart was touched when I saw it. I then used my chopstick and gave the other fish to her. But she immediately refused it and said "Eat this fish, son. I don't really like fish." That was Mother's Second Lie.
3. Then, when I was in Junior High School, to fund my study, mother went to an economic enterprise to bring some used-matches boxes that would be stuck in. It gave her some money for covering our needs. As the winter came, I woke up from my sleep and looked at my mother who was still awoke, supported by a little candlelight and within her perseverance she continued the work of sticking some used-matches box. I said, "Mother, go to sleep, it's late, tomorrow morning you still have to go for work. " Mother smiled and said "Go to sleep, dear. I'm not tired." That was Mother's Third Lie.
4. At the time of final term, mother asked for a leave from her work in order to accompany me. While the daytime was coming and the heat of the sun was starting to shine, the strong and persevering mother waited for me under the heat of the sun's shine for several hours. As the bell rang, which indicated that the final exam had finished, mother immediately welcomed me and poured me a glass of tea that she had prepared before in a cold bottle. The very thick tea was not as thick as my mother's love, which was much thicker. Seeing my mother covering with perspiration, I at once gave her my glass and asked her to drink too. Mother said "Drink, son. I'm not thirsty!". That was Mother's Fourth Lie.
5. After the death of my father because of illness, my poor mother had to play her role as a single parent. By held on her former job, she had to fund our needs alone. Our family's life was more complicated. No days without sufferance. Seeing our family's condition that was getting worse, there was a nice uncle who lived near my house came to help us, either in a big problem and a small problem. Our other neighbors who lived next to us saw that our family's life was so unfortunate, they often advised my mother to marry again. But mother, who was stubborn, didn't care to their advice, she said "I don't need love." That was Mother's Fifth Lie.
6. After I had finished my study and then got a job, it was the time for my old mother to retire. But she didn't want to; she was sincere to go to the marketplace every morning, just to sell some vegetable for fulfilling her needs. I, who worked in the other city, often sent her some money to help her in fulfilling her needs, but she was stubborn for not accepting the money. She even sent the money back to me. She said "I have enough money." That was Mother's Sixth Lie.
7. After graduated from Bachelor Degree, I then continued my study to Master Degree. I took the degree, which was funded by a company through a scholarship program, from a famous University in America . I finally worked in the company. Within a quite high salary, I intended to take my mother to enjoy her life in America . But my lovely mother didn't want to bother her son, she said to me "I'm not used to." That was Mother's Seventh Lie.
8. After entering her old age, mother got a flank cancer and had to be hospitalized. I, who lived in miles away and across the ocean, directly went home to visit my dearest mother. She lied down in weakness on her bed after having an operation. Mother, who looked so old, was staring at me in deep yearn. She tried to spread her smile on her face; even it looked so stiff because of the disease she held out. It was clear enough to see how the disease broke my mother's body, thus she looked so weak and thin. I stared at my mother within tears flowing on my face. My heart was hurt, so hurt, seeing my mother on that condition. But mother, with her strength, said "Don't cry, my dear. I'm not in pain." That was Mother's Eight Lie.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Triple Filter Test
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem.
One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test."
"The first filter is TRUTH. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates.
"So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of USEFULNESS. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test."
"The first filter is TRUTH. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates.
"So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of USEFULNESS. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
Monday, October 13, 2008
Faith
In a small town, a person decided to open up his bar business, which was right opposite to the Temple. The Temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground.
The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, the bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't."
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground.
The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, the bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire temple and its devotees that doesn't."
Friday, September 26, 2008
Copy Error
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.
Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, "The word is celebrate."
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.
Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, "The word is celebrate."
Friday, August 29, 2008
A Zoology Test
A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology.
So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of small paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.
Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk.
"This is the worst test I have ever written."
The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."
So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of small paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.
Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk.
"This is the worst test I have ever written."
The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Some More Facts ;o)
- People who ride on roller coaters have a higher chance of having a blood clot in the brain.
- Black bears are not always black they can be brown, cinnamon, yellow and sometimes white.
- People with blue eyes see better in dark.
- Each year 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment.
- The placement of a donkey's eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet.
- The sun is 330330 times larger than the earth.
- The cow gives nearly 200000 glass of milk in her lifetime.
- There are more female than male millionaires in the U.S.A.
- A male baboon can kill a leopard.
- When a person dies, hearing is usually the first sense to go.
- Bill gates house was designed using Macintosh computer.
- Nearly 22,000 cheques will be deducted from the wrong account over the next hour.
- Almost all varieties of breakfast cereals are made from grass.
- Some lions mates over 50 times a day.
- American did not commonly use forks until after the civil war.
- The most productive day of the week is Tuesday.
- In the 1930's America track star Jesse Owens used to race against horses and dogs to earn a living.
- There's a great mushroom in Oregon that is 2,400 years old. Covers 3.4 square miles of land and is still growing.
- Jimmy Carter is the first U.S.A. president to have born in hospital.
- Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
- Cleopatra married two of her brothers.
- Human birth control pill work on gorillas.
- The right lung takes in more air than the left.
- It is illegal to own a red car in shanghai china.
- A hard-boiled egg will spin. An uncooked or soft-boiled egg will not.
- Astronauts cannot burp in space.
- The snowiest city in the U.S.A. is blue canyon, California Lake Nicaragua in Nicaragua is the only fresh water lake in the world that has sharks.
- Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand.
- The great warrior Genghis khan died in bed while having $ex.
- No matter how cold it gets gasoline will not freeze.
- SNAILS have 14175 teeth laid along 135 rows on their tongue.
- A BUTTERFLY has 12,000 eyes.
- DOLPHINS sleep with 1 eye open.
- A BLUE WHALE can eat as much as 3 tones of food everyday, but at the same time can live without food for 6 months.
- The EARTH has over 12,00,000 species of animals, 3,00,000 species of plants & 1,00,000 other species.
- The fierce DINOSAUR was TYRANNOSAURS which has sixty long & sharp teeth, used to attack & eat other dinosaurs.
- DEMETRIO was a mammal like REPTILE with a snail on its back. This acted as a radiator to cool the body of the animal.
- CASSOWARY is one of the dangerous BIRD, that can kill a man or animal by tearing off with its dagger like claw.
- The SWAN has over 25,000 feathers in its body.
- OSTRICH eats pebbles to help digestion by grinding up the ingested food.
- POLAR BEAR can look clumsy & slow but during chase on ice, can reach 25 miles / hr of speed.
- KIWIS are the only birds, which hunt by sense of smell.
- ELEPHANT teeth can weigh as much as 9 pounds.
- OWL is the only bird, which can rotate its head to 270 degrees.
- In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
- On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
- The c!garette lighter was invented before the match.
- Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
- Tapeworms range in size from about 0.04 inch to more than 50 feet in length.
- German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.
- A female mackerel lays about 500,000 eggs at one time.
Why Gujarathies are the best in business?
There was once a Gujarati called Navneet Bhai Patel, owning a shop, living in USA, and he was involved in a car accident. At the hospital, when he woke, he called for the nurse to find out what had happened to him. I'm very sorry, sir, but you were involved in a very bad car crash.
"Car crash! My Corolla!! Is my car all right?" he asked hysterically.
"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries - you lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it," she said apologetically.
"I lost my arm? My Swiss Watch! My Swiss Watch!!"
"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition, but all your family is here to see you."
He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name.
"Alpa, are you here?"
"I am here dear, and I will never leave you", said Mrs. Patel.
"Diness, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Kalpess, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Kamless, my son, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Paress, my child, are you here too?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Well" said Navneet Bhai thoughtfully, "Alpa, Diness, Kalpess, Paress and Kamless are here... and if all of you are here...
THEN WHO THE HELL IS IN THE SHOP!!!!!????" he cried loudly.
"Car crash! My Corolla!! Is my car all right?" he asked hysterically.
"Sir, your car was destroyed, but that is the least of your worries - you lost your left arm in the crash, and we were unable to save it," she said apologetically.
"I lost my arm? My Swiss Watch! My Swiss Watch!!"
"Sir, please calm down. That is the least of your worries. You are in a very critical condition, but all your family is here to see you."
He asked for his family to be called in. As they gathered around the bed, he called for each of them by name.
"Alpa, are you here?"
"I am here dear, and I will never leave you", said Mrs. Patel.
"Diness, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Kalpess, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Kamless, my son, are you here?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Paress, my child, are you here too?"
"I am here father, and I will never leave you."
"Well" said Navneet Bhai thoughtfully, "Alpa, Diness, Kalpess, Paress and Kamless are here... and if all of you are here...
THEN WHO THE HELL IS IN THE SHOP!!!!!????" he cried loudly.
Monday, April 7, 2008
George Bush & Abdul Kalam
While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He Asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to Surround him with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate. "
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr.. Prime Minister, please answer this question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir!"
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says Kalam.
He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot.. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Riceto the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.
Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.
"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell !"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Manmohan Singh!"
Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate. "
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr.. Prime Minister, please answer this question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir!"
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says Kalam.
He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot.. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleezza Riceto the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.
Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.
"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell !"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Manmohan Singh!"
Friday, March 28, 2008
SHIT
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only).
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank God It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only).
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank God It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
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