Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever"
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn... is it midnight already?"
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Oppurtunity knocks the door only once!
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple , killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn"t, but my wife did!"
Moral: When Opportunity knocks, Make use of it!
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple , killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn"t, but my wife did!"
Moral: When Opportunity knocks, Make use of it!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Melvin and the mildly flatulent
Once-upon-a-time, there was a worthless piece of land known as the Kingdom of Wartlestoff. In the native language, Wartlestoff meant small painful swelling under the armpit. The people called it Wartlestoff because they couldn't actually name it shithole which was their first suggestion.
Wartlestoff was known throughout the continent for two things: 1. A really low average age of the citizens that was due to an incredibly high suicide rate and the fact that most people over five years-old tried to leave the country 2. A really low birth rate that was due to the fact there wasn't anybody in Wartlestoff that anybody wanted to have sex with.
Wartlestoff had been the object of several brutal wars by its neighboring countries, with each side claiming Wartlestoff belonged to the other. During a particularly brutal war, someone got the idea that they could declare Wartlestoff an autonomous state and everybody could go home.
A new formed country, even a lousy one like Wartlestoff, could be turned into a larger one by an ambitious, enterprising and charismatic leader. The leaders of the warring countries realized this and decided to choose the king themselves to make sure that this didn't happen. They set out to find the most feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic twit for the throne. The only constraint, they decided, was that the twit should be of noble birth. All the countries were littered with feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic nobility who had been unemployed during the great layoffs of the feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic aristocracy and Wartlestoff was no exception.
After a great search through the mounds of resumes, the Kings found the man that they were looking for. He was known as Lord Melvin the mildly flatulent.
He was slow, fat, rude, ugly and tended to get lost on the way to the bathroom. His estate had consisted of over thirty people at its height. These people, however, were all his family or servants in the castle. They had also formed a new barony and revolted.
They invited a nearby Lord to annex them into his estate. The new lord returned the favor by plundering them, killing the women and children and raising taxes tenfold.
It was said of him that "No one would follow him to a coke machine, much less into battle." When he failed to arrive for the interview or even give an explanation of his absence, this was considered a demonstration of just what a good choice they had made.
He was dragged from his castle and forcibly crowned. Afterwards the occupying armies fled the country as fast as their horses would take them. Stragglers were left behind.
One of Melvin's first acts was to put his face on every coin that was stamped in the realm. This helped the economy in two ways: 1. The sheer ugliness of the coins caused people in other realms to refuse them outright, as a result money no longer left the country due to trade imbalances 2. The sheer ugliness of the coins meant that folks inside the realm didn't really want the coins either, as a result much less money changed hands and inflation was curbed. It was said on the street that "You could once again buy a loaf of bread for less than 400 gold crowns!"
Ironically, the reduction of the trade imbalance and the rate of inflation would have been greatly heralded by the economists if he hadn't put them all to death.
King Melvin the mildly flatulent then decided to find a new wife since his ex still refused to come back. He decided to try a strategy that had worked so well in the past, he sent out tons of resumes. When the various eligible women visited the castle for the interview, they asked questions like "You don't expect me to have sex with you do you?" and "We wouldn't actually have to have sex if I got this job right?". Melvin was unfazed. When Lady Bovina failed to refuse immediately, Melvin decided to go after her with unceasing effort. He organized a festival and a series of games in her honor. The week before the festival, he had all the roads from her castle to the amphitheater lined with lawyers stapled to crosses. The games were a series of contests between economists armed with shields and swords and lions. The crowds went wild as economist after economist was chewed up by the lions. The economists were eaten so quickly that several market analysts, psychotherapists and poets had to be rounded up to keep the crowds amused.
By the end of the day, the crowd was at a fever pitch. They were screaming "Melvin! Melvin! Melvin!" at the top of their lungs. Melvin, whose ego was just barely able to fit in the amphitheater with all those people began to give a speech. He was possessed. He began to tell them that he would raise an army to give the people what they had wanted most for their entire lives, another decent country to live in, decent land to build hovels on and new and better neighbors.
When his speech reached a crescendo, he asked the crowd to be silent. He bent down on his knees and asked Lady Bovina to marry him.
She was startled. "Would you promise to love me forever?" she asked.
"Forever!" he said.
"Would you turn over your treasury to me?" she asked.
"Every last coin!" he responded.
"Would we have to have sex?" she asked.
"Do we have to talk about this here?"
She looked around at all the quiet faces who were staring directly at her and made the biggest mistake of her life.
The stirring speech, the ascension of the new queen, and the extermination of all the lawyers were exactly the sort of inspiring things that the country had been starving for for
years, and would have been duly celebrated by the historians and political analysts if they hadn't all been exterminated during the later games of the festival.
After the festival was over, Melvin raised a large and inspired if untrained and unequipped army. He led his army on muleback to the closest country and proceeded to attack by sending all his troops over the boarder as fast as he could, while he waited behind to see what happened.
Epilogue:
Melvin's army was thrashed as they charged into the waiting canons of the enemy. He blamed the loss on foreign treachery, but many pundits felt the loss was due to the fact that all the officers had sacrificed to the lions during the festival.
Melvin himself was later killed when the mule that he was riding on collapsed of a broken back.
Lady Bovina was the guest of honor at one last festival where she placed on the field to combat the last remaining economists.
The Kings who had placed Melvin at the throne of Wartlestoff were taken out and beaten.
And the people of Wartlestoff still wait for the day when the clouds will open and a voice proclaim from the Heavens to the people all across the land that they can finally leave. Posted by Chris at 6:50 PM 0 comments Reactions: The Motorcyclist A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him, and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife used some paper towels to blot up the gasoline, and threw them in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Wartlestoff was known throughout the continent for two things: 1. A really low average age of the citizens that was due to an incredibly high suicide rate and the fact that most people over five years-old tried to leave the country 2. A really low birth rate that was due to the fact there wasn't anybody in Wartlestoff that anybody wanted to have sex with.
Wartlestoff had been the object of several brutal wars by its neighboring countries, with each side claiming Wartlestoff belonged to the other. During a particularly brutal war, someone got the idea that they could declare Wartlestoff an autonomous state and everybody could go home.
A new formed country, even a lousy one like Wartlestoff, could be turned into a larger one by an ambitious, enterprising and charismatic leader. The leaders of the warring countries realized this and decided to choose the king themselves to make sure that this didn't happen. They set out to find the most feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic twit for the throne. The only constraint, they decided, was that the twit should be of noble birth. All the countries were littered with feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic nobility who had been unemployed during the great layoffs of the feeble minded, indecisive, and uncharasmatic aristocracy and Wartlestoff was no exception.
After a great search through the mounds of resumes, the Kings found the man that they were looking for. He was known as Lord Melvin the mildly flatulent.
He was slow, fat, rude, ugly and tended to get lost on the way to the bathroom. His estate had consisted of over thirty people at its height. These people, however, were all his family or servants in the castle. They had also formed a new barony and revolted.
They invited a nearby Lord to annex them into his estate. The new lord returned the favor by plundering them, killing the women and children and raising taxes tenfold.
It was said of him that "No one would follow him to a coke machine, much less into battle." When he failed to arrive for the interview or even give an explanation of his absence, this was considered a demonstration of just what a good choice they had made.
He was dragged from his castle and forcibly crowned. Afterwards the occupying armies fled the country as fast as their horses would take them. Stragglers were left behind.
One of Melvin's first acts was to put his face on every coin that was stamped in the realm. This helped the economy in two ways: 1. The sheer ugliness of the coins caused people in other realms to refuse them outright, as a result money no longer left the country due to trade imbalances 2. The sheer ugliness of the coins meant that folks inside the realm didn't really want the coins either, as a result much less money changed hands and inflation was curbed. It was said on the street that "You could once again buy a loaf of bread for less than 400 gold crowns!"
Ironically, the reduction of the trade imbalance and the rate of inflation would have been greatly heralded by the economists if he hadn't put them all to death.
King Melvin the mildly flatulent then decided to find a new wife since his ex still refused to come back. He decided to try a strategy that had worked so well in the past, he sent out tons of resumes. When the various eligible women visited the castle for the interview, they asked questions like "You don't expect me to have sex with you do you?" and "We wouldn't actually have to have sex if I got this job right?". Melvin was unfazed. When Lady Bovina failed to refuse immediately, Melvin decided to go after her with unceasing effort. He organized a festival and a series of games in her honor. The week before the festival, he had all the roads from her castle to the amphitheater lined with lawyers stapled to crosses. The games were a series of contests between economists armed with shields and swords and lions. The crowds went wild as economist after economist was chewed up by the lions. The economists were eaten so quickly that several market analysts, psychotherapists and poets had to be rounded up to keep the crowds amused.
By the end of the day, the crowd was at a fever pitch. They were screaming "Melvin! Melvin! Melvin!" at the top of their lungs. Melvin, whose ego was just barely able to fit in the amphitheater with all those people began to give a speech. He was possessed. He began to tell them that he would raise an army to give the people what they had wanted most for their entire lives, another decent country to live in, decent land to build hovels on and new and better neighbors.
When his speech reached a crescendo, he asked the crowd to be silent. He bent down on his knees and asked Lady Bovina to marry him.
She was startled. "Would you promise to love me forever?" she asked.
"Forever!" he said.
"Would you turn over your treasury to me?" she asked.
"Every last coin!" he responded.
"Would we have to have sex?" she asked.
"Do we have to talk about this here?"
She looked around at all the quiet faces who were staring directly at her and made the biggest mistake of her life.
The stirring speech, the ascension of the new queen, and the extermination of all the lawyers were exactly the sort of inspiring things that the country had been starving for for
years, and would have been duly celebrated by the historians and political analysts if they hadn't all been exterminated during the later games of the festival.
After the festival was over, Melvin raised a large and inspired if untrained and unequipped army. He led his army on muleback to the closest country and proceeded to attack by sending all his troops over the boarder as fast as he could, while he waited behind to see what happened.
Epilogue:
Melvin's army was thrashed as they charged into the waiting canons of the enemy. He blamed the loss on foreign treachery, but many pundits felt the loss was due to the fact that all the officers had sacrificed to the lions during the festival.
Melvin himself was later killed when the mule that he was riding on collapsed of a broken back.
Lady Bovina was the guest of honor at one last festival where she placed on the field to combat the last remaining economists.
The Kings who had placed Melvin at the throne of Wartlestoff were taken out and beaten.
And the people of Wartlestoff still wait for the day when the clouds will open and a voice proclaim from the Heavens to the people all across the land that they can finally leave. Posted by Chris at 6:50 PM 0 comments Reactions: The Motorcyclist A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him, and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife used some paper towels to blot up the gasoline, and threw them in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
The Motorcyclist
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him, and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife used some paper towels to blot up the gasoline, and threw them in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him, and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife used some paper towels to blot up the gasoline, and threw them in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
A Son's bad dream
A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare. The man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life. He is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare. The man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life. He is sure he is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife. "Good God Dear" he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."
Wrong Number!
A Husband makes a call to hospital to enquire about his pregnant wife. But accidentally the call went to a cricket stadium.
He asked "I am really worried! What is the condition?"
He lost his sense after what he heard.
Guess what would be the reply?
It is, "7 are already out! 3 More will be out hopefully by lunch! And The first one was a Duck!"
He asked "I am really worried! What is the condition?"
He lost his sense after what he heard.
Guess what would be the reply?
It is, "7 are already out! 3 More will be out hopefully by lunch! And The first one was a Duck!"
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Men are Men!
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Julie on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man then said "When I was at the races last week Julie was the name of the horse I bet on!".
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. "Your horse called up!"
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Julie on it that I found in your pants pocket".
The man then said "When I was at the races last week Julie was the name of the horse I bet on!".
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. "Your horse called up!"
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sometimes, don't be Honest!
"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez."Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez."Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Why women are great?
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the chequebook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1PM. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument With them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30PM he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9PM, he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the chequebook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1PM. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument With them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30PM he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9PM, he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Friday, November 7, 2008
Confessions of a Friend
It’s been a while
since my heart has been changing,
since I’ve been dealing with it lonesome...
every time you came back,
I hated the guy that made you cry
I’d rather protect you,
although I don’t know if it will make it better...
This time I’ll hold you and love you
Is what I thought
Baby, come to me now
And be my lady
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart.
As a friend, to remain as friends,
I had to push the confessions down my throat
But now I’ll confess to you,
I love you...
You hold my hand and tell me you only have me
Keeping me as a friend,
you say it’s a blessing
Whenever you say let’s never change,
I had to push my feelings down
It might be best if I protect you,
not knowing if it will be better
I kept hearing it but I kept cool
I was too scared to lose you, but...
Baby Come to me now
And be my lady
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart
As a friend, to remain as friends,
I had to push the confessions down my throat
That confession I had to hold it in
But now I’ll confess to you,
I love you...
since my heart has been changing,
since I’ve been dealing with it lonesome...
every time you came back,
I hated the guy that made you cry
I’d rather protect you,
although I don’t know if it will make it better...
This time I’ll hold you and love you
Is what I thought
Baby, come to me now
And be my lady
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart.
As a friend, to remain as friends,
I had to push the confessions down my throat
But now I’ll confess to you,
I love you...
You hold my hand and tell me you only have me
Keeping me as a friend,
you say it’s a blessing
Whenever you say let’s never change,
I had to push my feelings down
It might be best if I protect you,
not knowing if it will be better
I kept hearing it but I kept cool
I was too scared to lose you, but...
Baby Come to me now
And be my lady
I’ve watched you for too long
I stood there with no words,
hiding my pitiful heart
As a friend, to remain as friends,
I had to push the confessions down my throat
That confession I had to hold it in
But now I’ll confess to you,
I love you...
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Why am I the one to die?
I went to a party Mom,
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I drank soda instead.
I really felt proud inside, Mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom,
Even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom,
I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom,
As everyone is driving out of sight.
As I got into my car, Mom,
I knew I'd get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me,
So responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom,
But as I pulled out into the road,
The other car didn't see me, Mom,
And hit me like a load.
As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,
I hear the policeman say,
The other guy is drunk, Mom,
And now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom¦.
I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom?
My life just burst like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, Mom,
And most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom,
I'll die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom,
I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom.
The others didn't think.
He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank
And I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now.
Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,
And I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying
And all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.
Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom,
Put 'GOOD BOY' on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mom,
Not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom,
I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom.
I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom.
When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question, Mom.
Before I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive,
So why am I the one to die?
I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom,
So I drank soda instead.
I really felt proud inside, Mom,
The way you said I would.
I didn't drink and drive, Mom,
Even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom,
I know you are always right.
Now the party is finally ending, Mom,
As everyone is driving out of sight.
As I got into my car, Mom,
I knew I'd get home in one piece.
Because of the way you raised me,
So responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom,
But as I pulled out into the road,
The other car didn't see me, Mom,
And hit me like a load.
As I lay there on the pavement, Mom,
I hear the policeman say,
The other guy is drunk, Mom,
And now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom¦.
I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom?
My life just burst like a balloon.
There is blood all around me, Mom,
And most of it is mine.
I hear the medic say, Mom,
I'll die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom,
I swear I didn't drink.
It was the others, Mom.
The others didn't think.
He was probably at the same party as I.
The only difference is, he drank
And I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom?
It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now.
Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom,
And I don't think it's fair.
I'm lying here dying
And all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom.
Tell Daddy to be brave.
And when I go to heaven, Mom,
Put 'GOOD BOY' on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mom,
Not to drink and drive.
If only they had told him, Mom,
I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom.
I'm becoming very scared.
Please don't cry for me, Mom.
When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question, Mom.
Before I say good bye.
I didn't drink and drive,
So why am I the one to die?
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