A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. "What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her!"
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also!"
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "
The man replied "Okay! Join the queue!"
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Why Parents Go Crazy
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?"
"Is your daddy home?"he asked.
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No!"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,"Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes"
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter!"
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
"ME"
"Is your daddy home?"he asked.
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No!"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,"Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes"
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter!"
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
"ME"
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
A Jungle Story
A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot... The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers "That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's high on cocaine!"
Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot... The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers "That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's high on cocaine!"
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Laws Of Ultimate Reality
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee!
Law of Gravity:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces:
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law:
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee!
Law of Gravity:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces:
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law:
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Cafe Wisdom Lounge
Yesterday, I dint want to keep it a boring day. So I called up my friend if we could break-out somewhere. Actually, I had a plan to drop-in to some pub where we can enjoy the streaming heavy rock music and fill-up ourselves with pitchers and chickens! As this idea didn't sync with my friend, she suggested a coffee shop. I never been to any coffee-shop, as I hate to sit and chit-chatting just with a coffee! (FYI: Am a gastronome!) But just for a company-sake I agreed.
I went to her place, picked her up and started to the so called coffee-shop where she had never been even. Its in 4th block of Koramangala, Bangalore a sign-board reads "Cafe Wisdom Lounge". As we entered the porch, we thought its someone's home and we may need to go upstairs. And there appeared a man (Jaspal) invited us in. The atmosphere is completely weird to be a coffee-shop. But it was quite interesting. Initially I could not believe seeing people serving food with smiling face. Jaspal is running this Wisdom Cafe Lounge and here you will get all kinds of feasts. Then, we felt like we're having a dinner at our friend's home.
We were given a menu which had varieties of tea and coffee. And a list of tasty Indian-spicy food like Samosas, Pakoras, Rotis and few more. I preferred a Herbal tea and my friend liked to have a Ginger tea with pakoras. And we started discussing a serious matter [;-P] rather than chatting. I would say the taste of the tea we've offered was really really good and the hot-n-spicy pakoras gave it a nice company! Jaspal too joined us for a while, when we asked him about this idea. I was really amazed when he said that he's been running this for the past "19" months! He showed us the mini art gallery he have at home. Most of'em are his wife's work. And few artifacts by the tribal people from north Karnataka and Kanyakumari. He took us to his personal room, and I found so many interesting things can be dug from him. He's working on a book which he's almost done on Gazals.
I would highly recommend this place to have a nice peaceful time forgetting all your worries, rants, laments, tensions. Just feel like your friends' place. Its at 4th block, Koramangala. From Sony World signal towards HSR Layout, its behind a Levi's Showroom.
~ Chris-T
I went to her place, picked her up and started to the so called coffee-shop where she had never been even. Its in 4th block of Koramangala, Bangalore a sign-board reads "Cafe Wisdom Lounge". As we entered the porch, we thought its someone's home and we may need to go upstairs. And there appeared a man (Jaspal) invited us in. The atmosphere is completely weird to be a coffee-shop. But it was quite interesting. Initially I could not believe seeing people serving food with smiling face. Jaspal is running this Wisdom Cafe Lounge and here you will get all kinds of feasts. Then, we felt like we're having a dinner at our friend's home.
We were given a menu which had varieties of tea and coffee. And a list of tasty Indian-spicy food like Samosas, Pakoras, Rotis and few more. I preferred a Herbal tea and my friend liked to have a Ginger tea with pakoras. And we started discussing a serious matter [;-P] rather than chatting. I would say the taste of the tea we've offered was really really good and the hot-n-spicy pakoras gave it a nice company! Jaspal too joined us for a while, when we asked him about this idea. I was really amazed when he said that he's been running this for the past "19" months! He showed us the mini art gallery he have at home. Most of'em are his wife's work. And few artifacts by the tribal people from north Karnataka and Kanyakumari. He took us to his personal room, and I found so many interesting things can be dug from him. He's working on a book which he's almost done on Gazals.
I would highly recommend this place to have a nice peaceful time forgetting all your worries, rants, laments, tensions. Just feel like your friends' place. Its at 4th block, Koramangala. From Sony World signal towards HSR Layout, its behind a Levi's Showroom.
~ Chris-T
Monday, August 24, 2009
Barroom Bet
A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.
The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".
So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I can't take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', I knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff!"
And the blonde says "Well, I did too! But I never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".
So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I can't take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', I knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff!"
And the blonde says "Well, I did too! But I never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
Dream Job
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly! But you started it!"
The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly! But you started it!"
A Bad Day
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The Perfect Birthday
Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me.
Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
I started to the office I was feeling pretty low. As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. I start getting excited?
I thought today is my lucky day.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat on the couch naked!
Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
I started to the office I was feeling pretty low. As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. I start getting excited?
I thought today is my lucky day.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat on the couch naked!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The fortunate Groom
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me; It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was always bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was always bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
The Smart Lawyer
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His book-keeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the book-keeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language .
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is.
The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the book-keeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
It was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the book-keeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language .
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is.
The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the book-keeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
Monday, August 3, 2009
A Woman's Work
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered,
"You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered,
"You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"
Saturday, August 1, 2009
How she knows you love her?
A man wakes up with a big hangover the morning after attending his company's annual Summer Party. He can't even remember how he got home from the party let alone how he got so drunk and is deathly afraid of what he may have done or said the night before to offend his wife.
The man forces his eyes open, however, and the first things he sees are two headache tablets next to a glass of water on his night table, and, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up with difficulty and sees his clothing hung on the back of his chair all clean and pressed and the rest of the house all spic and span and in perfect order.
Incredulous, the man takes the tablets, then winces when he sees a nasty black eye looking back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he finds a note next to the red rose on the night table: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting for you on the stove. I left early to buy the ingredients to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! The note was signed, "Your loving wife".
The man then stumbles into the kitchen and incredibly enough, there is a hot breakfast waiting for him along with steaming hot tea, and the morning paper. His daughter Jessie is also at the table, eating. "Jess... what happened last night?" The man asks, with some trepidation.
"Well, you came home around four o'clock in the morning, drunk and out of your senses. You tripped and fell onto the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited all over the bathroom floor, and got this black eye when you crashed into the table edge."
Baffled, the man asked Jessie, "Then why is everything in such perfect shape and so clean? Why is there a rose on my nightstand, and breakfast on the stove waiting for me?"
"Oh that, Jessie replies, "Well, Mom pulled you into your bedroom, and when she tried to undress you, you yelled, "Leave me alone, I'm married and I love my wife!'"
The man forces his eyes open, however, and the first things he sees are two headache tablets next to a glass of water on his night table, and, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up with difficulty and sees his clothing hung on the back of his chair all clean and pressed and the rest of the house all spic and span and in perfect order.
Incredulous, the man takes the tablets, then winces when he sees a nasty black eye looking back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he finds a note next to the red rose on the night table: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting for you on the stove. I left early to buy the ingredients to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! The note was signed, "Your loving wife".
The man then stumbles into the kitchen and incredibly enough, there is a hot breakfast waiting for him along with steaming hot tea, and the morning paper. His daughter Jessie is also at the table, eating. "Jess... what happened last night?" The man asks, with some trepidation.
"Well, you came home around four o'clock in the morning, drunk and out of your senses. You tripped and fell onto the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited all over the bathroom floor, and got this black eye when you crashed into the table edge."
Baffled, the man asked Jessie, "Then why is everything in such perfect shape and so clean? Why is there a rose on my nightstand, and breakfast on the stove waiting for me?"
"Oh that, Jessie replies, "Well, Mom pulled you into your bedroom, and when she tried to undress you, you yelled, "Leave me alone, I'm married and I love my wife!'"
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Pleading Your Case to St. Peter
A man arrives in Heaven appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter looks over his paperwork. The guy looks OK, but he wants to be sure. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man replies. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers threatening a young woman. I warned them to leave her alone."
"That's impressive," the gatekeeper says. "Then what happened?"
"Well, they wouldn't back off, so I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now back off, biker boy, or you'll answer to me!"
"That's really brave," St. Peter said, clearly impressed. "But I don't have it in your paperwork. When did this happen?"
"Let's see," the man says, looking at his watch. "About a minute and a half ago."
St. Peter looks over his paperwork. The guy looks OK, but he wants to be sure. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man replies. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers threatening a young woman. I warned them to leave her alone."
"That's impressive," the gatekeeper says. "Then what happened?"
"Well, they wouldn't back off, so I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now back off, biker boy, or you'll answer to me!"
"That's really brave," St. Peter said, clearly impressed. "But I don't have it in your paperwork. When did this happen?"
"Let's see," the man says, looking at his watch. "About a minute and a half ago."
Monday, July 6, 2009
Cookies
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait many hours, she decided to buy a book to spend her time. She also bought a packet of cookies.
Beside the armchair where the packed of cookies lay, a man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading.
When she took out the first cookie, the man took one also. She felt irritated but said nothing. She just thought: "What a nerve! If I was in the mood I would punch him for daring!"
For each cookie she took the man took one too.
This was infuriating her but she didn't want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: "Ah... What this abusive man do now?"
Then, the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one half.
Ah! That was too much!
She was was much too angry now!
In a huff, she took her book, her things and stormed to the boarding place.
When she sat down in her seat, she looked into her purse to take her eyeglasses, and, to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched, unopened!
She felt so ashamed! She realized that she was wrong...
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter. While she had been angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him. And now there was no chance to explain herself... nor to apologize.
There are four things that you cannot recover!
The stone, after the throw!
The word, after it's said!
The occasion, after the loss!
The time, after it's gone!
As she would need to wait many hours, she decided to buy a book to spend her time. She also bought a packet of cookies.
Beside the armchair where the packed of cookies lay, a man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading.
When she took out the first cookie, the man took one also. She felt irritated but said nothing. She just thought: "What a nerve! If I was in the mood I would punch him for daring!"
For each cookie she took the man took one too.
This was infuriating her but she didn't want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: "Ah... What this abusive man do now?"
Then, the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one half.
Ah! That was too much!
She was was much too angry now!
In a huff, she took her book, her things and stormed to the boarding place.
When she sat down in her seat, she looked into her purse to take her eyeglasses, and, to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched, unopened!
She felt so ashamed! She realized that she was wrong...
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter. While she had been angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him. And now there was no chance to explain herself... nor to apologize.
There are four things that you cannot recover!
The stone, after the throw!
The word, after it's said!
The occasion, after the loss!
The time, after it's gone!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Big John Doesn't Pay!
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically week? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically week? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The Baptized Singh
Each Friday night after work, Santa Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.
The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."
Santa’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived.
The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yaar(dear), you are a potato and tomato"!
The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest.
The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."
Santa’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived.
The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yaar(dear), you are a potato and tomato"!
Material Damage
A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"
"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."
"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"
"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."
"Oh, my God!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"
Friday, June 12, 2009
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not Allow ! me to ta ke leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then He would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My colleague asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What Are You doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for A Couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my colleague followed me, the Boss asked him '...and where do you think you're going?'
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My colleague asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What Are You doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for A Couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my colleague followed me, the Boss asked him '...and where do you think you're going?'
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
Thursday, May 14, 2009
The Pontiac that was Allergic to Vanilla Ice Cream!
For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ...
A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:
"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame youfor not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"
The Pontiac President was understandably sceptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighbourhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.
Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.
In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavour. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.
Vanilla, being the most popular flavour, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavours were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavour and get checked out.
Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapour lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavours allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapour lock to dissipate.
Moral of the story: Even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.
A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:
"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame youfor not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"
The Pontiac President was understandably sceptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighbourhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.
Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.
In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavour. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.
Vanilla, being the most popular flavour, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavours were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavour and get checked out.
Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapour lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavours allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapour lock to dissipate.
Moral of the story: Even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I Hate Mondays!
Monday. The first day of the work week we all dread to see. The Mamas and the Papas sang "Every other day of the week is fine- yeah! But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes, you can find me cryin' all of the time" in their 1966 hit, "Monday, Monday." The Bangles referred to it as being frenzied in their 1986 hit song "Manic Monday." No one has much good to say about this day that follows Sunday and precedes Tuesday. Read this informative article and find out some interesting facts about Monday, the second day of the week, that might make you feel differently about this day!
Named Days
Monday, which originally got its name from the moon, has many days named for it. These include: Cyber Monday (follows Thanksgiving- refers to the increase in online sales); Easter Monday (follows Easter and is celebrated as a holiday in some cultures); Handsel Monday (first of the new year in which gifts are given to convey good wishes in Scotland and Northern England; Clean Monday (or Ash Monday- the first day of Lent. Refers to being free from sin); Big Monday (ESPN's College Basketball presentation); Black Monday (October 19, 1987- the day the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 508 points.)
An interesting fact about Monday, the second day of the week, is that it's also referred to as "Blue Monday." The name is thought to have started because the first day of the work week used to be set aside for doing the laundry. Bluing was used to keep white clothes from becoming dingy and gray. From that product, wash day became known as "Blue Monday."
Even though Monday isn't always wash day today, the term "Blue Monday" still exists. However, it's meaning is different. It now refers to the day when employees have to return to work after a weekend break. Another interesting fact about Monday, the second day of the week, is it's the most likely day for workers to have heart attacks. The British Medical Journal reported a 20% increase in heart attacks on Mondays as opposed to the other days of the week. The attacks may be caused by stress and high blood pressure caused by returning to work.
Monday Holidays
Several holidays always fall on a Monday. Some of these include Labor Day, Memorial Day, President's Day, Columbus Day and Veteran's Day.
The Worst Day
In many cultures, the first day of the work week holds the honor of being the worst day. Another interesting fact about Monday, the second day of the week, is, the French used to call automobiles that turn out to be lemons, "Monday Cars."
On the Brighter Side
Believe-it-or-not, there are two positive things about Monday. First, if you were born on this day, then you're not homely. Afterall, the old rhyme goes, "Monday's child is fair of face". That's a good thing. And second, when you're going to shop for a new car, do it on a Monday. Car sales people make the bulk of their sales on the weekends. When Monday rolls around, there are usually few customers in sight, and the weekend is a long ways off. That's why car sales people are more desperate on Monday, and they'll be more willing to cut you a deal.
Miscellaneous
And finally, an interesting fact about Monday is, it's associated with Silver when it comes to Alchemy, an ancient chemical science. According to Astrology, Monday is is ruled by the zodiac signs Cancer, June 22 to July 22.
Named Days
Monday, which originally got its name from the moon, has many days named for it. These include: Cyber Monday (follows Thanksgiving- refers to the increase in online sales); Easter Monday (follows Easter and is celebrated as a holiday in some cultures); Handsel Monday (first of the new year in which gifts are given to convey good wishes in Scotland and Northern England; Clean Monday (or Ash Monday- the first day of Lent. Refers to being free from sin); Big Monday (ESPN's College Basketball presentation); Black Monday (October 19, 1987- the day the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 508 points.)
An interesting fact about Monday, the second day of the week, is that it's also referred to as "Blue Monday." The name is thought to have started because the first day of the work week used to be set aside for doing the laundry. Bluing was used to keep white clothes from becoming dingy and gray. From that product, wash day became known as "Blue Monday."
Even though Monday isn't always wash day today, the term "Blue Monday" still exists. However, it's meaning is different. It now refers to the day when employees have to return to work after a weekend break. Another interesting fact about Monday, the second day of the week, is it's the most likely day for workers to have heart attacks. The British Medical Journal reported a 20% increase in heart attacks on Mondays as opposed to the other days of the week. The attacks may be caused by stress and high blood pressure caused by returning to work.
Monday Holidays
Several holidays always fall on a Monday. Some of these include Labor Day, Memorial Day, President's Day, Columbus Day and Veteran's Day.
The Worst Day
In many cultures, the first day of the work week holds the honor of being the worst day. Another interesting fact about Monday, the second day of the week, is, the French used to call automobiles that turn out to be lemons, "Monday Cars."
On the Brighter Side
Believe-it-or-not, there are two positive things about Monday. First, if you were born on this day, then you're not homely. Afterall, the old rhyme goes, "Monday's child is fair of face". That's a good thing. And second, when you're going to shop for a new car, do it on a Monday. Car sales people make the bulk of their sales on the weekends. When Monday rolls around, there are usually few customers in sight, and the weekend is a long ways off. That's why car sales people are more desperate on Monday, and they'll be more willing to cut you a deal.
Miscellaneous
And finally, an interesting fact about Monday is, it's associated with Silver when it comes to Alchemy, an ancient chemical science. According to Astrology, Monday is is ruled by the zodiac signs Cancer, June 22 to July 22.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
April Fool's Day
April Fools' Day, sometimes called All Fools' Day, is one of the most light hearted days of the year. Its origins are uncertain. Some see it as a celebration related to the turn of the seasons, while others believe it stems from the adoption of a new calendar.
New Year's Day Moves
Ancient cultures, including those as varied as the Romans and the Hindus, celebrated New Year's Day on or around April 1. It closely follows the vernal equinox (March 20th or March 21st.) In medieval times, much of Europe celebrated March 25, the Feast of Annunciation, as the beginning of the new year.
In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII ordered a new calendar (the Gregorian Calendar) to replace the old Julian Calendar. The new calendar called for New Year's Day to be celebrated Jan. 1. That year, France adopted the reformed calendar and shifted New Year's day to Jan. 1. According to a popular explanation, many people either refused to accept the new date, or did not learn about it, and continued to celebrate New Year's Day on April 1. Other people began to make fun of these traditionalists, sending them on "fool's errands" or trying to trick them into believing something false. Eventually, the practice spread throughout Europe.
Problems With This Explanation
There are at least two difficulties with this explanation. The first is that it doesn't fully account for the spread of April Fools' Day to other European countries. The Gregorian calendar was not adopted by England until 1752, for example, but April Fools' Day was already well established there by that point. The second is that we have no direct historical evidence for this explanation, only conjecture, and that conjecture appears to have been made more recently.
Constantine and Kugel
Another explanation of the origins of April Fools' Day was provided by Joseph Boskin, a professor of history at Boston University. He explained that the practice began during the reign of Constantine, when a group of court jesters and fools told the Roman emperor that they could do a better job of running the empire. Constantine, amused, allowed a jester named Kugel to be king for one day. Kugel passed an edict calling for absurdity on that day, and the custom became an annual event.
"In a way," explained Prof. Boskin, "it was a very serious day. In those times fools were really wise men. It was the role of jesters to put things in perspective with humor."
This explanation was brought to the public's attention in an Associated Press article printed by many newspapers in 1983. There was only one catch: Boskin made the whole thing up. It took a couple of weeks for the AP to realize that they'd been victims of an April Fools' joke themselves.
Spring Fever
It is worth noting that many different cultures have had days of foolishness around the start of April, give or take a couple of weeks. The Romans had a festival named Hilaria on March 25, rejoicing in the resurrection of Attis. The Hindu calendar has Holi, and the Jewish calendar has Purim. Perhaps there's something about the time of year, with its turn from winter to spring, that lends itself to lighthearted celebrations.
Observances Around the World
April Fools' Day is observed throughout the Western world. Practices include sending someone on a "fool's errand," looking for things that don't exist; playing pranks; and trying to get people to believe ridiculous things.
The French call April 1 Poisson d'Avril, or "April Fish." French children sometimes tape a picture of a fish on the back of their schoolmates, crying "Poisson d'Avril" when the prank is discovered.
New Year's Day Moves
Ancient cultures, including those as varied as the Romans and the Hindus, celebrated New Year's Day on or around April 1. It closely follows the vernal equinox (March 20th or March 21st.) In medieval times, much of Europe celebrated March 25, the Feast of Annunciation, as the beginning of the new year.
In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII ordered a new calendar (the Gregorian Calendar) to replace the old Julian Calendar. The new calendar called for New Year's Day to be celebrated Jan. 1. That year, France adopted the reformed calendar and shifted New Year's day to Jan. 1. According to a popular explanation, many people either refused to accept the new date, or did not learn about it, and continued to celebrate New Year's Day on April 1. Other people began to make fun of these traditionalists, sending them on "fool's errands" or trying to trick them into believing something false. Eventually, the practice spread throughout Europe.
Problems With This Explanation
There are at least two difficulties with this explanation. The first is that it doesn't fully account for the spread of April Fools' Day to other European countries. The Gregorian calendar was not adopted by England until 1752, for example, but April Fools' Day was already well established there by that point. The second is that we have no direct historical evidence for this explanation, only conjecture, and that conjecture appears to have been made more recently.
Constantine and Kugel
Another explanation of the origins of April Fools' Day was provided by Joseph Boskin, a professor of history at Boston University. He explained that the practice began during the reign of Constantine, when a group of court jesters and fools told the Roman emperor that they could do a better job of running the empire. Constantine, amused, allowed a jester named Kugel to be king for one day. Kugel passed an edict calling for absurdity on that day, and the custom became an annual event.
"In a way," explained Prof. Boskin, "it was a very serious day. In those times fools were really wise men. It was the role of jesters to put things in perspective with humor."
This explanation was brought to the public's attention in an Associated Press article printed by many newspapers in 1983. There was only one catch: Boskin made the whole thing up. It took a couple of weeks for the AP to realize that they'd been victims of an April Fools' joke themselves.
Spring Fever
It is worth noting that many different cultures have had days of foolishness around the start of April, give or take a couple of weeks. The Romans had a festival named Hilaria on March 25, rejoicing in the resurrection of Attis. The Hindu calendar has Holi, and the Jewish calendar has Purim. Perhaps there's something about the time of year, with its turn from winter to spring, that lends itself to lighthearted celebrations.
Observances Around the World
April Fools' Day is observed throughout the Western world. Practices include sending someone on a "fool's errand," looking for things that don't exist; playing pranks; and trying to get people to believe ridiculous things.
The French call April 1 Poisson d'Avril, or "April Fish." French children sometimes tape a picture of a fish on the back of their schoolmates, crying "Poisson d'Avril" when the prank is discovered.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Fun with Spoonerism
Spoonerism
A spoonerism is an error in speech or deliberate play on words in which corresponding consonants, vowels, or morphemes are switched. It is named after the Reverend William Archibald Spooner (1844–1930), Warden of New College, Oxford, who was notoriously prone to this tendency. While spoonerisms are commonly heard as slips of the tongue resulting from unintentionally getting one's words in a tangle, they can also be used intentionally as a play on words.
Some Funny Examples
"Fighting A Liar" for "Lighting A Fire"
"You Hissed My Mystery Lecture" for "You Missed My History Lecture"
"Cattle Ships And Bruisers" for "Battle Ships And Cruisers"
"Nosey Little Cook" for "Cosy Little Nook"
"A Blushing Crow" for "A Crushing Blow"
"Tons Of Soil" for "Sons Of Toil"
"Our Queer Old Dean" for "Our Dear Old Queen"
"We'll Have The Hags Flung Out" for "We'll Have The Flags Hung Out"
"You've Tasted Two Worms" for "You've Wasted Two Terms"
"Our Shoving Leopard" for "Our Loving Shepherd"
"A Half-warmed Fish" for "A Half-formed Wish"
"Is The Bean Dizzy?" for "Is The Dean Busy?"
"Know Your Blows" for "Blow Your Nose"
"Go And Shake A Tower" for "Go And Take A Shower"
"Tease My Ears" for "Ease My Tears"
"Nicking Your Pose" for "Picking Your Nose"
"You Have Very Mad Banners" for "You Have Very Bad Manners"
"Lack Of Pies" for "Pack Of Lies"
"It's Roaring With Pain" for "It's Pouring With Rain"
"Sealing The Hick" for "Healing The Sick"
"Go Help Me Sod" for "So Help Me God"
"Pit Nicking" for "Nit Picking"
"Bowel Feast" for "Foul Beast"
"I'm A Damp Stealer" for "I'm A Stamp Dealer"
"Hypodemic Nurdle" for "Hypodermic Needle"
"Wave The Sails" for "Save The Whales"
"Chipping The Flannel On Tv" for "Flipping The Channel On Tv"
"Mad Bunny" for "Bad Money"
"I'm Shout Of The Hour" for "I'm Out Of The Shower"
"Lead Of Spite" for "Speed Of Light"
"This Is The Pun Fart" for "This Is The Fun Part"
"I Hit My Bunny Phone" for "I Hit My Funny Bone"
"Flutter By" for "Butterfly"
"Bedding Wells" for "Wedding Bells"
"I Must Mend The Sail" for "I Must Send The Mail"
"Cop Porn" for "Popcorn"
"It Crawls Through The Fax" for "It Falls Through The Cracks"
"My Zips Are Lipped" for "My Lips Are Zipped"
"Bat Flattery" for "Flat Battery"
"Would You Like A Nasal Hut?" for "Would You Like A Hazel Nut?"
"Puke On" for "Coupon"
"Belly Jeans" for "Jelly Beans"
"Eye Ball" for "Bye All"
"Fight In Your Race" for "Right In Your Face"
"Ready As A Stock" for "Steady As A Rock"
"No Tails" for "Toe Nails"
"Listen Here" for "Hiss And Lear"
"Bowl Of Salad" for "Soul Of Ballad"
"Who Of Tarts?" for "Two Of Hearts"
"Whore Of Farts" for "Four Of Hearts"
"Hate Of Arts" for "Eight Of Hearts"
"Hen Of Tarts" for "Ten Of Hearts"
"Space Of Aids" for "Ace Of Spades"
"Spore Of Fades" for "Four Of Spades"
"Spate Of Aids" for "Eight Of Spades"
"Door Of Fireman's" for "Four Of Diamonds"
"Dive Of Fireman's" for "Five Of Diamonds"
"Dicks Of Simon's" for "Six Of Diamonds"
"Clue Of Tubs" for "Two Of Clubs"
"Clive Of Fubbs" for "Five Of Clubs"
A spoonerism is an error in speech or deliberate play on words in which corresponding consonants, vowels, or morphemes are switched. It is named after the Reverend William Archibald Spooner (1844–1930), Warden of New College, Oxford, who was notoriously prone to this tendency. While spoonerisms are commonly heard as slips of the tongue resulting from unintentionally getting one's words in a tangle, they can also be used intentionally as a play on words.
Some Funny Examples
"Fighting A Liar" for "Lighting A Fire"
"You Hissed My Mystery Lecture" for "You Missed My History Lecture"
"Cattle Ships And Bruisers" for "Battle Ships And Cruisers"
"Nosey Little Cook" for "Cosy Little Nook"
"A Blushing Crow" for "A Crushing Blow"
"Tons Of Soil" for "Sons Of Toil"
"Our Queer Old Dean" for "Our Dear Old Queen"
"We'll Have The Hags Flung Out" for "We'll Have The Flags Hung Out"
"You've Tasted Two Worms" for "You've Wasted Two Terms"
"Our Shoving Leopard" for "Our Loving Shepherd"
"A Half-warmed Fish" for "A Half-formed Wish"
"Is The Bean Dizzy?" for "Is The Dean Busy?"
"Know Your Blows" for "Blow Your Nose"
"Go And Shake A Tower" for "Go And Take A Shower"
"Tease My Ears" for "Ease My Tears"
"Nicking Your Pose" for "Picking Your Nose"
"You Have Very Mad Banners" for "You Have Very Bad Manners"
"Lack Of Pies" for "Pack Of Lies"
"It's Roaring With Pain" for "It's Pouring With Rain"
"Sealing The Hick" for "Healing The Sick"
"Go Help Me Sod" for "So Help Me God"
"Pit Nicking" for "Nit Picking"
"Bowel Feast" for "Foul Beast"
"I'm A Damp Stealer" for "I'm A Stamp Dealer"
"Hypodemic Nurdle" for "Hypodermic Needle"
"Wave The Sails" for "Save The Whales"
"Chipping The Flannel On Tv" for "Flipping The Channel On Tv"
"Mad Bunny" for "Bad Money"
"I'm Shout Of The Hour" for "I'm Out Of The Shower"
"Lead Of Spite" for "Speed Of Light"
"This Is The Pun Fart" for "This Is The Fun Part"
"I Hit My Bunny Phone" for "I Hit My Funny Bone"
"Flutter By" for "Butterfly"
"Bedding Wells" for "Wedding Bells"
"I Must Mend The Sail" for "I Must Send The Mail"
"Cop Porn" for "Popcorn"
"It Crawls Through The Fax" for "It Falls Through The Cracks"
"My Zips Are Lipped" for "My Lips Are Zipped"
"Bat Flattery" for "Flat Battery"
"Would You Like A Nasal Hut?" for "Would You Like A Hazel Nut?"
"Puke On" for "Coupon"
"Belly Jeans" for "Jelly Beans"
"Eye Ball" for "Bye All"
"Fight In Your Race" for "Right In Your Face"
"Ready As A Stock" for "Steady As A Rock"
"No Tails" for "Toe Nails"
"Listen Here" for "Hiss And Lear"
"Bowl Of Salad" for "Soul Of Ballad"
"Who Of Tarts?" for "Two Of Hearts"
"Whore Of Farts" for "Four Of Hearts"
"Hate Of Arts" for "Eight Of Hearts"
"Hen Of Tarts" for "Ten Of Hearts"
"Space Of Aids" for "Ace Of Spades"
"Spore Of Fades" for "Four Of Spades"
"Spate Of Aids" for "Eight Of Spades"
"Door Of Fireman's" for "Four Of Diamonds"
"Dive Of Fireman's" for "Five Of Diamonds"
"Dicks Of Simon's" for "Six Of Diamonds"
"Clue Of Tubs" for "Two Of Clubs"
"Clive Of Fubbs" for "Five Of Clubs"
Thursday, March 19, 2009
A Valentines Day Gift (Rated: 16+)
As Valentines day was approaching, Charlie decided to buy a special gift for his new girlfriend, Ruth. The couple had not been dating for very long, and so Charlie wanted to make sure the gift was just right. Ruth was always complaining about having cold hands, and so Charlie - after careful consideration - decided a good gift would be a nice pair of gloves.
Charlie took his sister with him to buy the gift - he wanted a woman's opinion. They found a nice pair of gloves at the store, and Charlie's sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. Unfortunately, the sales clerk got the two items mixed up.
Charlie mailed his Valentine's Day gift to Ruth, accompanied by the following note:
I chose this Valentines Day gift as I noticed that you often don't wear any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
These are a lovely colour. The lady at the store where I bought them showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
Love, Charlie
Charlie took his sister with him to buy the gift - he wanted a woman's opinion. They found a nice pair of gloves at the store, and Charlie's sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. Unfortunately, the sales clerk got the two items mixed up.
Charlie mailed his Valentine's Day gift to Ruth, accompanied by the following note:
I chose this Valentines Day gift as I noticed that you often don't wear any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.
These are a lovely colour. The lady at the store where I bought them showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.
I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.
Love, Charlie
Thursday, March 12, 2009
What is knowledge?
During work, Robert and Dilbert were chatting:
Robert: Dil, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Dilbert: oh!
Robert: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Dilbert: No
Robert: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Robert: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Dilbert: No
Robert: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Robert: And do you know who 'Jean Jacques Rousseau' is?
Dilbert: No
Robert: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Dilbert got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Robin?
Robert: No
Dilbert: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.
Robert: Dil, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Dilbert: oh!
Robert: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Dilbert: No
Robert: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Robert: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Dilbert: No
Robert: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Robert: And do you know who 'Jean Jacques Rousseau' is?
Dilbert: No
Robert: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.
This time, Dilbert got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Robin?
Robert: No
Dilbert: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Little Johnny - Finding Jesus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Little Johnny - Nickels & Dimes!
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
Saturday, January 31, 2009
The Dog that takes you into the Bar
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they say to each other "I'm thirsty." They see a nearby bar and walk up to it.
Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do with no luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, "I have an idea! Do what I do."
The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the big man. "This is my seeing-eye dog." said the man hoping for good feedback. "Alrighty mister, go right in." said the big man. The doberman man walked in.
The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first man. "Where are you going?" asked the big man. "I'm going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog." he said. "A chihuahua?" asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, "They gave me a chihuahua!?"
Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said NO DOGS. They thought for awhile to try to figure out what they should do with no luck. Suddenly, the man with the doberman said, "I have an idea! Do what I do."
The man put on his sunglasses, walked up to the door and tried to get in but a big muscular man stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the big man. "This is my seeing-eye dog." said the man hoping for good feedback. "Alrighty mister, go right in." said the big man. The doberman man walked in.
The second man slipped his sunglasses on and did the same as the first man. "Where are you going?" asked the big man. "I'm going into the bar, this is my seeing-eye dog." he said. "A chihuahua?" asked the big man with suspicion. The other man, playing his part yelled, "They gave me a chihuahua!?"
Just follow the Tracks
Three men are stranded in the middle of the Canadian Forest and they don't know where they are at. They decide that they have to find some food. So the first man leaves and tells the other 2 that he is going to get some food.
Several Hours later, he comes back with a deer over his shoulder. The other 2 are amazed and ask him how he got a deer with no weopans. He replies, " I find tracks, I follow tracks, I get deer". They both are slightly confused but let it go.
One week later, they have eaten the deer, so they need to get more food. The second guy leaves and says that he is going to get food. He comes back a couple hours later with a elk over his shoulder. The other 2 ask how he got the elk. He simply replies, "I find tracks, I follow tracks, I get Elk".
Five days later, they have eaten the elk, so they need more food. The third guy, feeling very cocky, thinks to himslef, " This is going to be a piece of cake. The other guys got the other animals so easy. I'm going to get an animal better than their's put together!". So he leaves to get some food. They wait a couple hours... he doesn't come back. They wait another couple hours, he is still missing.
Finally, after 9 hours of waiting, they see him coming back. His clothes are torn rags, he is covered in dirt with scrapes and bruises all over his body. He is bleeding from different gashes in his arms and legs along with one on the side of head. They ask, " What happened!". He looks at them, wide-eyed and confused, and replies, " I find tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit my train".
Several Hours later, he comes back with a deer over his shoulder. The other 2 are amazed and ask him how he got a deer with no weopans. He replies, " I find tracks, I follow tracks, I get deer". They both are slightly confused but let it go.
One week later, they have eaten the deer, so they need to get more food. The second guy leaves and says that he is going to get food. He comes back a couple hours later with a elk over his shoulder. The other 2 ask how he got the elk. He simply replies, "I find tracks, I follow tracks, I get Elk".
Five days later, they have eaten the elk, so they need more food. The third guy, feeling very cocky, thinks to himslef, " This is going to be a piece of cake. The other guys got the other animals so easy. I'm going to get an animal better than their's put together!". So he leaves to get some food. They wait a couple hours... he doesn't come back. They wait another couple hours, he is still missing.
Finally, after 9 hours of waiting, they see him coming back. His clothes are torn rags, he is covered in dirt with scrapes and bruises all over his body. He is bleeding from different gashes in his arms and legs along with one on the side of head. They ask, " What happened!". He looks at them, wide-eyed and confused, and replies, " I find tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit my train".
What Happened in Detroit
A tough looking biker had been in the biker bar for quite some time when he finally decided it was time, once again to hit the road. He stepped through the front door of the bar and instantly realized that his bike had vanished from the spot he had parked it.
"All right" he said loudly, coming back into the busy biker bar "I'm going to have a shot of whisky and if my hog isn't back up front by the time I'm done, what happened in Detroit will happen here too!"
With that many of the bikers ran out of the bar and within moments one came back to tell the tough biker that his hog was now parked in front of the bar for him. When the tough guy started to leave the bartender asked him.
"Pardon me, stranger, but what happened in Detroit?"
The tough biker replied casually: "I had to walk back to my hotel!"
"All right" he said loudly, coming back into the busy biker bar "I'm going to have a shot of whisky and if my hog isn't back up front by the time I'm done, what happened in Detroit will happen here too!"
With that many of the bikers ran out of the bar and within moments one came back to tell the tough biker that his hog was now parked in front of the bar for him. When the tough guy started to leave the bartender asked him.
"Pardon me, stranger, but what happened in Detroit?"
The tough biker replied casually: "I had to walk back to my hotel!"
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
ATM Instructions
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
Male Procedure
Female Procedure
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
Male Procedure
- Drive up to the cash machine.
- Put down your car window.
- Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
- Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
- Put window up.
- Drive off.
Female Procedure
- Drive up to cash machine.
- Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
- Set parking brake, put the window down.
- Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
- Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
- Attempt to insert card into machine.
- Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
- Insert card.
- Re-insert card the right way.
- Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
- Enter PIN.
- Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required.
- Check makeup in rear view mirror.
- Retrieve cash and receipt.
- Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
- Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
- Re-check makeup.
- Drive forward 2 feet.
- Reverse back to cash machine.
- Retrieve card.
- Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
- Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
- Restart stalled engine and pull off.
- Redial person on cell phone.
- Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
- Release Parking Brake.
Curiosity Gets The Priest
A priest, in urgent need to use the bathroom, walks into a local bar. The bar is jumping with loud music and lively conversation, but every few minutes the lights abruptly go off. Every time the lights go off, the bar crowd bursts into loud whoops and applause, but when they see the priest enter the bar, the place becomes absolutely quiet.
The priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom is?"
"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing only a fig leaf."
"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.
The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located. After a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"
"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"
"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.
"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"
The priest walks over to the bartender and asks, "Can you please tell me where your bathroom is?"
"Sure, but I have to tell you, father, there's a statue of a naked woman in it and she?s wearing only a fig leaf."
"No problem, I'll just avert my eyes, then," Said the priest.
The bartender then shows the priest to the far side of the bar where the bathroom is located. After a short while, the priest comes out of the bathroom and the bar crowd pauses only long enough to give him a rousing cheer. Perplexed he goes over to the bartender and asks, I'm puzzled. Why did they cheer for me as I came out of the bathroom just now?"
"Well, father, it's because your curiosity has made you human and likeable, just like us," said the bartender. "May I pour you a drink?"
"No thanks you, but, I'm still puzzled," said the priest.
"You see, father," chuckles the bartender, "every time somebody moves the fig leaf on the naked woman statue, the bar lights go off. Now, what do you say to that drink?"
Monday, January 19, 2009
Bubba and Junior
Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO (Non-Commissioned officer) Club. Let's stop in and have us a drank."
"But we're privates," protests Junior.
"No, we're sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we're privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!"
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO (Non-Commissioned officer) Club. Let's stop in and have us a drank."
"But we're privates," protests Junior.
"No, we're sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we're privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!"
Thursday, January 15, 2009
You're Always By My Side
A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days.
When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side. He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."
She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."
He added, " ...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears.
The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..."
His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There's something I really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion. Finally her husband said, "I think you bring me bad luck."
When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side. He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."
She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."
He added, " ...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears.
The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..."
His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There's something I really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion. Finally her husband said, "I think you bring me bad luck."
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