A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.
The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".
So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I can't take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', I knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff!"
And the blonde says "Well, I did too! But I never would have thought that the man would do it again!"
Monday, August 24, 2009
Dream Job
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly! But you started it!"
The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly! But you started it!"
A Bad Day
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The Perfect Birthday
Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me.
Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
I started to the office I was feeling pretty low. As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. I start getting excited?
I thought today is my lucky day.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat on the couch naked!
Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good Morning".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
I started to the office I was feeling pretty low. As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. I start getting excited?
I thought today is my lucky day.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat on the couch naked!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The fortunate Groom
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me; It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was always bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was always bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
The Smart Lawyer
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His book-keeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the book-keeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language .
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is.
The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the book-keeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
It was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the book-keeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language .
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is.
The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the book-keeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
Monday, August 3, 2009
A Woman's Work
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered,
"You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered,
"You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"
Saturday, August 1, 2009
How she knows you love her?
A man wakes up with a big hangover the morning after attending his company's annual Summer Party. He can't even remember how he got home from the party let alone how he got so drunk and is deathly afraid of what he may have done or said the night before to offend his wife.
The man forces his eyes open, however, and the first things he sees are two headache tablets next to a glass of water on his night table, and, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up with difficulty and sees his clothing hung on the back of his chair all clean and pressed and the rest of the house all spic and span and in perfect order.
Incredulous, the man takes the tablets, then winces when he sees a nasty black eye looking back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he finds a note next to the red rose on the night table: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting for you on the stove. I left early to buy the ingredients to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! The note was signed, "Your loving wife".
The man then stumbles into the kitchen and incredibly enough, there is a hot breakfast waiting for him along with steaming hot tea, and the morning paper. His daughter Jessie is also at the table, eating. "Jess... what happened last night?" The man asks, with some trepidation.
"Well, you came home around four o'clock in the morning, drunk and out of your senses. You tripped and fell onto the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited all over the bathroom floor, and got this black eye when you crashed into the table edge."
Baffled, the man asked Jessie, "Then why is everything in such perfect shape and so clean? Why is there a rose on my nightstand, and breakfast on the stove waiting for me?"
"Oh that, Jessie replies, "Well, Mom pulled you into your bedroom, and when she tried to undress you, you yelled, "Leave me alone, I'm married and I love my wife!'"
The man forces his eyes open, however, and the first things he sees are two headache tablets next to a glass of water on his night table, and, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up with difficulty and sees his clothing hung on the back of his chair all clean and pressed and the rest of the house all spic and span and in perfect order.
Incredulous, the man takes the tablets, then winces when he sees a nasty black eye looking back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he finds a note next to the red rose on the night table: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting for you on the stove. I left early to buy the ingredients to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! The note was signed, "Your loving wife".
The man then stumbles into the kitchen and incredibly enough, there is a hot breakfast waiting for him along with steaming hot tea, and the morning paper. His daughter Jessie is also at the table, eating. "Jess... what happened last night?" The man asks, with some trepidation.
"Well, you came home around four o'clock in the morning, drunk and out of your senses. You tripped and fell onto the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited all over the bathroom floor, and got this black eye when you crashed into the table edge."
Baffled, the man asked Jessie, "Then why is everything in such perfect shape and so clean? Why is there a rose on my nightstand, and breakfast on the stove waiting for me?"
"Oh that, Jessie replies, "Well, Mom pulled you into your bedroom, and when she tried to undress you, you yelled, "Leave me alone, I'm married and I love my wife!'"
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